England v Montenegro, Second Half – A Female Commentary

26 Mar

Welcome back Football Fiends. I am currently still without hot chocolate as half time ended a lot sooner than anticipated.

Blue and pink boots with red socks – hokayyyy…all that money and that’s what is happening right now.

We’re off and rockin’…do they change into nice new, clean, crisp kits in half time? Like Lee Evans has to change suits in his intervals through fear of drowning in his own sweat?!

Johnson must be careful as he is on a yellow card? Didn’t see that happen :/

OMG I THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOAL AND IT WASN’T FUCK ME..Aww bless Joe Hart going for it full steam…

What the FUCK is wrong with the Montenegro fans??? Toilet roll now? Get a grip you utter hooligans.

The red team have clearly had a shot of red bull or something coz they’re on one the little devils. I haven’t seen a red player that could even remotely pass as a looker. Mind you, who on the England team can honestly say they are bangable without the money?? Debatable. I’ll come back to this.

“First touch has gotta be good” << Yes commentator man. I know your wife is happy.

"Rooney trying to link up with Welbeck" << Good luck to them

Big red kick. They are 100% going to score and win. England are blatantly lacking in this half I reckon. << Semi-profesh comment

Ashley Cole – now there's a c***

Oooft red header towards the goal. LOL I'm actually into it. GO JOE! You bash that ball away babe!
His quiff is still on point.

Major skid marks for Milner. I'm so irritated by his ability to ruin such a white outfit.
Rootavic, Nonavic…SO CLOSE…Nope. Stand down.

White man launches himself into red man. Game stops and white man looks annoyed? NO. MOVE ON.
Reds definitely on one – it's all such a clusterfuck this half. Rachel Zoe would be having clusterfuck-palpitations.

Dudavic down. It's not as funny as when Cole falls but it's always fun to see a bearded man stumble – a man with a beard has to be very comfortable with themselves so I imagine when they fall they just want to kick themselves.
What?!

RED LAUNCH, RED LAUNCH… ends up without ball yet flat on his back. So not worth it dude.

Miles Krktok is in my favourite number – 22. GO MILES! Although, Kim K has an ex called Miles and really my loyalties are with her.

Gerrard kicks it in and it's stolen immediately by the reds! Storming the wrong way down the pitch… OFF!

ROONEY YOU FUGLY, OVERPAID FOOL. He missed what seemed to be a lovely free kick op for the white team (us). << Semi-profesh comment

Johnson has a shoulder skid mark – how did that happen? He seems to be playing a secret game by himself.

"When you're in that box you can't get too tight" << Corr blimey!

I want someone new to come on – these lot are the most sour faced, boring millionaires ever. Every footstep must earn them at least £10,000, they could at least look like they're having fun. Minimum.

Joe Hart is really good. He's saved a few stonking efforts from the red team.
Gerrard's corner – oh no RedManavic's corner. Yellow boots and red socks this time – we have a pansy-based delay from a mischievous Savic squirming on the floor for no apparent reason.
Ahhhhh and THE REDS SCORE!!!! Seems legit.

There seems to be a fire in the crowd – they are fucking crazy.

Hello Ashley Young welcome to the fun house where we have flares smoking the place out and Montenegro fans (and staff!!) losing their actual minds.
Surely health and safety rules out the use of open flames in a tightly packed crowd such as this. Fiends.

Roy the pigeon man looks as despondent as Victoria Beckham on stage with the Spice Girls. I wonder how much his suit is worth.

What we got now? Oh 7 minutes to go. If I were the ref I'd accidentally on purpose put the clock forward a couple of minutes. The growling hoodlums are becoming alarming.

Bearded man against the perfectly groomed Joe Hart………..OVER THE BAR! Fail to the bearded man. Walk away bearded man, walk away.

Not much action from my Theo today 😦 << OH THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S INJURED! LOL Wondered where my little petal is. Swear he was on earlier.

"Ashley Cole makes a bold run down the centre…and all for nothing" << Spanner

2 Minutes…THANK THE LORD ABOVE

Ashley Young did a lot didn't he…NAAATTT. There must be someone else new to bring on and liven up this partay.
Ooooft Gerrard just kicked the ball towards the goal and gave the commentator a semi. He missed though. Never mind we've all been there.

3 Minutes extra time – give it the fuck up. Milner just totally tied his legs around the ball and rolled along the line. Fairly amusing.

I can't stand it anymore. I want my hot choc, hot water bottle and a cuddle. I feel like I've produced testosterone watching this match. Lad points. Wonder if my boyfriend will buy me dinner Friday night because of this good deed?!

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