England v Montenegro, First Half – A Female Commentary

26 Mar

First of all, let me say that I have no idea who’s on the teams but England are in a dashingly bright shade of white and Montenegro have opted for a rather brash red.

Montenegro’s national anthem gets me all rialled up and feeling aggressive. Very bulshy.

Ashley Cole – now there is a Twat and a half – oh wait he did nothing. Hmm..

“Came within inches of capitalising” What’s this? We just missed bro. Close though. Bravo..? <<< Rhymes

Big kick from Joe Hart.

Danny Welbeck just did the LAMEST attempt at a kick thing ever!! I even noticed.
8 degrees warmer than home in Montenegro and they still don't look amused!

Wayne Rooney pulling atrocious faces whilst Gerrard litter picks. I've lost the ball and the plot of the game…wait a moment…
Between the two of them they've both managed to team up and score LOL thanks guys…love being made to look foolish.
Guy banging the drum in the crowd has upped his merry tempo.

"Can England build on that fabulous start" Imagine being this commentators wife. "Marvellous BJ babe…can you build on this amazing start"
I've gone off subject again. You all wondered what happens in a woman's brain through a football match…No filter.

Let me resume concentration. Ooft that red kit clashes so heavily with the green pitch my eyes are bleeding.
With regards to the game I'm feeling bored. I think it's because the managers look bored and the players look like they wish they were back at their 6* pads fucking carefully selected, high end girls. Maybe. Probably (and other words that make this sentence legal or whatever…)

That fucking drum!!!!! Kill him.

"Give a fork about your pork" << How much was the person who came up with this slogan paid? Amazing slogan.

"Rooney has a free head" I imagine he does indeed, I can't imagine that granny-tute paying for it on her pension. Bet she wasn't as cheap as she looked, though.

The Montenegro fans are bouncing. Why are they so happy? They're losing?

Lescott's head is a thing of pure class. I reckon there's a Twitter account out there just for his forehead and if there isn't there should be. I see a waterfall of a bead on when I look at Lescott…

THEO WALCOTT IS MY LOVE! Such a cute little face for such a quick, sneaky little runner. Can definitely do better than Melanie Slade but it seems legit enough.
ASHLEY COLE CAN BURN.

Wait, Joe is about to do his mega kick…BOOM..howww the fuckkkk can it go that far?! I want to try that and see how far I can get the ball. It should be a thing that if you get it so far you can legitimately put it on your CV as a skill.

Boschovic (that's a spelling guess) just threw the ball almost as far. Strong guy.

Rooney, Cleverley, Rooney, Welbeck…oh fail.

We are now having an off-side mare.

Back to Danny Welbeck and he's done something else wrong! What's this guy's deal – if someone who has no clue about football can see he's pants then surely I should get some of his wages??

LOL Ashley Cole fell. Bet Cheryl laughs every time she sees that douche-packet fall down.

It's all gone a bit boring. Cleverley, Rooney, Milner, Gerrard, Milner, Gerrard, BLOCKED. Come the fuck on.

Right we've moved up. Good header away, Saweratwic, Gootnavic… (again spelling guesses)…Big goal kick BOOM!
Aggressive throwing of what seems to be plastic cups from the home fans. Get over it or we'll send Danny Dyer over to sort you all out…Oh wait…carry on.
To think Danny Dyer used to get women all hot under the collar until we realised he was just a pansy boy (probably) on coke. He definitely cries at Titanic.

Ruchavic, Nobacovic, Savic, Luchavic, Sanwich, Speratic…OUT!!! Oh no it's not HA! Errm… Guptavic, Left foot on inside, Speratic,

TERRIFIC BALL FROM WELBECK APPARENTLY!! Redemption?? Almost, maybe…"constant thorn in the opponent's side" apparently…Jury's out on Welbeck it seems, bless him.

Corner kick. Brace yourselves coz it's the wrong side of the pitch to be beneficial for England << that almost sounded profesh.

My hot chocolate is finished. Sad times.
Carrick, Cleverley, Johnson…Johnson??? Who's this?
Carrick to Cleverley…Gerrard, Seeking Welbeck…OFF! Grrrrrr Welbeck is where it always ends. Boring bastard.
Rooney, Johnson, Gerrard, Rooney, Gerrard, looking for Cole but got Suraric. Fail.
Cleverley Rooney, Cole, delicate pass, Rooney, Gerrard, half excited commentator, Carrick…

"England need another goal" <<< No shit Sherlock.

5 minutes left of this half. I'm exhausted. LOL Joe Hart's little quiff is adorable – I need to know what gel is withstanding those sweat levels.

Savic, down he goes, YELLOW CARD FOR WELBECK THE FUCKING HAIRY OAF and a free bastard kick for the red team (not us).
Bit of a clusterfuck down the red team's end, still looking clustered… "England come away".

Slow mo replays reveal so much more agg. I HATE when payers stroll up to the ref for a devious little hug and a Chinese whisper – blatant cheating that people ignore.

Head injury. This means I'm going to have to wait longer to get another hot chocolate (Options Go Bananas, only 38 calories per cup).

1 Minute to go!! Carrick to Cole, Oopsnavic…chequred flag pointing left, man with beard, whistle…DONE!!

See you in the second half!

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